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. . . . I would most likely be sitting in a confessional now instead of writing this blog. As embarrassed as I am, I must admit that I committed a crime this morning. It is hanging so heavily on my conscience. Believe me it is atrocious!

So appalled am I at myself that earlier I went for a long walk – 5 miles – hoping I would amply make up for my offense. Now as I sit here, I wonder if I could have even confessed it to the Holy Father.

Because I desperately want to be absolved, I probably would have entered the booth, proceed by making the sign of the cross and say, “Bless me father for I have sinned.”

Continuing with the specifics of my particular sin would have been the hardest of this process. I’d have to start by going way back.

Several months ago . . . .  maybe coming upon two years now, after being crashed by betrayal, and going through a rather difficult personal crisis I was confronted with the way I consumed food.  I found myself not eating for days. I couldn’t even tell if I was hungry or not. Faithful friends I confided in, found creative ways to encourage me to eat something after I was honest enough to let them know I was not eating.

During one such encouragement, I was taught about calories, portions and varieties of food – real food and not food-like substances. This experience was an eye opener. Prior to that, I thought I was health-conscious, eating right and exercising regularly. The new information I received, revealed I was far from that. How could I deceive myself this way, and for such a long time?

Renewing my mind about food with the new information, I immediately got rid of all the junk mislabeled as food, that I believed were food, bought and stocked up on food. This was an epic life event. I threw in a healthy and consistent amount of exercise and was amazed at how I began to feel. It also showed in the way I looked.

My wardrobe begged for a complete overhaul which I gladly obliged. My old clothes were all oversized. I was happy to discover me in renewed ways. Since then I have disciplined myself to stay on the straight and narrow nutritious course. I have had some slips but not like what happened.

This brings me to the sin about which I write.

This morning I slept a bit more, waking up late for my daily workout. Wanting to be a bit exotic, I opted to treat myself to pâtisseries and a symphony of fruit smoothie at a local café, and then go for a walk along the banks of this newly discovered meandering river.

As I drove to the café, I was distracted and took several unfamiliar turns making two unscheduled stops. All of a sudden I was feeling hungry. . . . very hungry! Interestingly, I began to notice all the fast food places and the ubiquitous restaurants in this unfamiliar part of town, not to mention the aroma of food, or food-like substances that kept suffocating me.

I felt so vulnerable and my stomach was not helping the least bit.

For a while, I resisted the urge to just grab something to silence the monsters in my belly, now growling and sending relentless messages to my brain which in turn pumped secretions into my mouth and directed my eyes to ‘food’ establishments all around.

Then I eyeballed what I had labeled as the devil’s cousin months ago – a Krispy kreme doughnut store. The red light was glowing, advertising ‘hot ones’! Initially, I drove by it, but could not ignore the hallucinations that light created. So I pulled into the parking lot and without thinking trotted in there.

Greeting me nicely, an associate announced to me that the ‘hot ones’ were going for a special price. I can’t honestly explain how I conducted the transaction from then. All I remember is walking with a box full of, you guessed it, hot doughnuts.

And no, I’m not telling how many!

Before getting to the café for my fruit smoothie I had consumed half of what I purchased. Then finished the rest, washed it down with the smoothie hoping the guilt of eating that large amount would be washed away too.

As if to do what is an equivalent to a hundred “Hail Marys”, I walked five miles, jogging intermittently, and feeling ill-equipped to maintain my usual endurance level.

So if I were a Catholic, I would say exactly how many doughnuts I had followed by, “I am sorry for this and all of my sins.”

The priest would have then imparted absolution. Adding, “Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good,” to which I would have gladly responded, “His mercy endures forever.”

Then leaving the confessional, I would have gone to do the assigned penance.

But, I’m not a Catholic. I’m going to have to burn additional calories for now and resolve to do better next time.

As for how many doughnuts I consumed, you, my friend are not a Priest.

So . . . . . I leave that to your imagination.